Sunday, April 19, 2015

The one in which I GOT PUBLISHED ON THE HUFFINGTON POST!!!!!! (Part 2)



If you haven't yet read part 1, you should read it here.

As I was waiting to see if my post was actually going to be published on HuffPost, (and by "waiting," I obviously mean "alternating between staring obsessively at my phone and staring obsessively at my laptop to see if I'd gotten an email saying that it had been posted") I happened to notice an article from a local news station about a pregnant meteorologist who had been getting nasty comments and letters about her appearance from viewers. And I thought, "well that's just mean! Why do people feel like it's... AUGH! A NEW EMAIL!! MY POST MUST BE UP!! Oh, shoot, nevermind... appropriate to make rude comments about pregnant women's bodies??"

When I got my HuffPost Blogger log in information, the guidelines said "Post if and when you want; you are the boss," so I wrote a post about how it would be nice if people would maybe stop criticizing the bodies of pregnant women who they don't even know, and I uploaded that one to HuffPost, too. (Which meant that then I was freaking out about whether two posts would be published, instead of just one. So that was maybe not so bright.)

Then finally, I got the email. My first post was live!! (You can read it here. It's pretty much identical to how I submitted it to them, except for that they edited out the phrase "bodily fluids." Which was probably a smart move, but which also cracked me up for some reason.) I literally jumped up and down screaming in my kitchen, which my three-year-old thought was awesome, so he kept asking me to do it again. (He and I spent a good fifteen minutes jumping up and down and screaming; me because I was excited to be on HuffPost, him because he likes screaming.) And then I posted it on Facebook, and screamed some more. It got 18 comments (17 of which were from people I knew) and was visible towards the bottom of the main HuffPost Parents page, so I was pretty pleased.

Then two days later, they published the piece I wrote about critiquing pregnant women's bodies. And started promoting it at the bottom of their other pieces. And it got 30-something comments in like 30 minutes. And I FREAKED OUT. Then they posted it on the HuffPost Parents Facebook page. (It ultimately got over 4,500 likes.) And I freaked out some more! (Although, side note, I meant for that picture to be a stock photo of a pregnant woman's belly, not my face. But technology is hard.)



Then half an hour after they posted my post on their Facebook page, they posted a piece by Nigel Barker.

Source: HuffPost Parents Facebook Page

And I was like, OH MY GOSH, NIGEL BARKER AND I WRITE FOR THE HUFFINGTON POST TOGETHER!! (Except, disclaimer, Nigel Barker has no idea who I am. But Nigel, if you're reading this, and you want to collaborate on a piece on, say, the art of the diaper change, give me a call. Loved you on America's Next Top Model. I used to watch it while eating cheese dip from Sam's Club, so as you can see, our lives are equally glamorous.)

I've published three posts on HuffPost, and the excitement still hasn't gone away. Some of you have asked how much new traffic I've gotten for my blog: so far, I've gotten 45 new likes for my blog's page and a spike in traffic each time I post (the biggest spike came after my pregnancy post.) I've also gotten one whole mean Tweet! The guy told me I should've "learned to use logic and reasoning before becoming a writer," which really made no sense in context of any of my posts, but I was like, "Sweet! Some guy called me a writer!!" Plus now when people ask me my hobbies, I can be like, "Oh, you know, I write for The Huffington Post. No big deal." Then they'll be like "Oh, cool! How much do they pay you?" And I'll be like, "Um, nothing." And then they'll be like "Can I have some of your cheese dip?" And that's when I'll know I've arrived.

If you want to follow me on HuffPost to be notified any time I post something new there, go here. And if you're not already following me on Facebook, you should do it here. Sometimes I say funny things.



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Sunday, April 5, 2015

The one in which I GOT PUBLISHED ON THE HUFFINGTON POST!!!!!!!!! (Part 1)



Ok, so...

A while back, I read this blog post about how to submit things for publication on The Huffington Post, and she referred her readers to this podcast, which I listened to. (Side note, I think that's the only podcast I've ever listened to in its entirety. Because I'm behind the times.) Anyway, I read, and I listened, and then I thought to myself, "Self, wouldn't it be cool to be on The Huffington Post???" And myself said yes.

In the podcast, the editor said to look through your posts and submit one that had gotten a lot of attention or shares or positive feedback, so I submitted this one about my tips for recovering from a c-section, because it has more comments than any of my other posts and also has been shared a lot on Pinterest. So I submitted it, and then I waited. And waited. And... crickets. So the post and the podcast said to follow up if you hadn't heard anything, so I waited a week and then followed up, and a very nice editor said they'd get back to me in a few weeks. And then... crickets. (But to be totally fair to HuffPost, which I can totally call it now, because we're BFFs, everything I read said they liked their posts to be under 1,000 words, and the post I submitted was like... 1,800 words. So, you know, clearly I don't follow directions well.)

So then I wrote this piece the other day in a state of massive sleep deprivation called "The Five Stages of Being Woken Up Too Early by Your Kids." And a lot of my friends liked it and shared it and people thought it was funny, and I was like, oh, this one is kind of cute and less than 1,000 words, maybe I'll try this one with HuffPost (hi, best friend!) So I submitted it and then I took a shower, which is not relevant except that when I got out of the shower, I had an email. And the email said, "Welcome! You've been invited to join the HuffPost blogger community."  and I was like, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Wait, what does that even mean?? AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

So the email told me to set up my bio, and I did, and then I had to wait for log-in info, and I told Dan, "maybe I just won't tell anyone about this, just in case it's like all the other times I ended up disappointed" (which you can read about in my post, All the Times I Was Never Famous,) and then of course, I posted it on Facebook anyway. So then I got the log-in info, and I needed to submit the post, but the original photo I had used was this one:



and I was like, "Dan, I can't use this picture because it was blurry and taken with the selfie camera on my phone at like 6am so it's too dark and it's awful and The Huffington Post" (we weren't best friends at this point) "will laugh me right off the internet!!"

So it was naptime for our kids (who were both still in their jammies at 1:30pm,) but I begged Dan to just take one picture that was a do-over of the first one but with better lighting. And I made him stand on the bed (no joke) and take a bunch of pictures, and then I looked at them and was like "Why is Lucas eight feet away from me?? This is supposed to look like the other picture!" And Dan said, "You never showed me the picture I was supposed to be imitating," and I was like "THAT'S NO EXCUSE!!"


So then I took the camera and got this picture:


And I was like, fine, whatever, that works, let's put the kids to bed. And then, of course, they both napped for about ten minutes.

I submitted the post and then I waited for a day... Then I started freaking out, because naturally. And I was like, "Dan, I just told everyone I know that I'm going to be on The Huffington Post and now I'm not going to be on The Huffington Post!!!" And Dan was like, you're going to be on it, don't worry, but also we have company coming for Easter and this house is a disaster, except he said it much nicer than that and also while he was scrubbing spit-up out of the carpet, so, you know, it wasn't hurtful.

(I started typing this whole story as one post, but it was going to be a novel. So now it's two posts. Click here to find out if I ever made it on HuffPost. Spoiler alert: I did.)

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Monday, March 30, 2015

The Five Stages of Being Woken Up Too Early by Your Kids


1. Denial/Isolation
This isn't happening. This IS. NOT. HAPPENING. This is just a horrible dream. It is way too early for them to be awake. The baby doesn't really need milk. She'll probably go right back to sleep in like a minute... maybe five minutes. Ten minutes, tops. Maybe if I pull my covers over my head, they'll go away. There. I'm invisible. He'll never find me. I'm in my fortress of solitude. I'm ensconced in an impenetrable layer of...

Oh. He found me. But three year olds are reasonable people. He'll understand that I'm just too tired to get up. After he finishes climbing over me and tapping me repeatedly on the eyelid, he'll get back in his own bed and sleep until 9.

2. Anger
WHY ARE YOU STILL TAPPING ME??? GO BACK TO BED!! IT'S TOO EARLY!!! IF YOU DON'T GO TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW, YOU WILL BE IN TIME OUT UNTIL YOU'RE THIRTY-EIGHT!! STOP TAPPING ME!!!!!!!!!

3. Bargaining
Ok, listen. If you just let me go back to sleep for ten minutes, you can watch Daniel Tiger for an hour. Two hours. The entire day. I will personally call Daniel Tiger and invite him to our house and he will play make believe with you and teach you a catchy little song about letting mommy sleep until 10. And if you can get your baby sister to go back to sleep, I will turn our SUV into a life-sized replica of Trolley. You have my word.

4. Depression
I am never going to feel well rested, ever again. I'm going to be forever sleep deprived until I die a slow, sleep-deprived death, curled up in a ball on the floor, covered in my children's bodily fluids while trying to buy a five-minute nap by bribing them with candy.

5. Acceptance
This is my life right now - two adorable kids and no sleep. Time to go make coffee and then drink it after it gets cold because both kids will poop as soon as I fill my mug.

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