All the times I was never famous

Sometime in November, I was just hanging out, thinking normal mommy thoughts (like "Is it almost bedtime?") and saying normal mommy things (like "No, Lucas, don't put your shoes in the garbage.") when I got an alert on my phone that I had an email. It was from someone at a major news website that I guarantee you've heard of, unless you're my husband.

The email asked me if I wanted to participate in a live parenting panel discussion on their site. My internal reaction pretty much went like this: "Oh my gosh! I'm famous! Wait. Is this a scam? They probably sent this to the wrong person. Do they know my blog isn't hugely popular? What if they think I'm an expert in parenting and then they find out that I let my kid play with garbage?? Oh my gosh. I'M FAMOUS!!!" And then I tried to breathe like a normal person while I said to Dan, "Um, so... you've heard of (Name of ridiculously famous news site,) right?" and Dan said, "No." So that deflated my rapidly expanding ego back to its normal size.

They wanted me to participate either the next day or sometime in the future, and I sent back a really professional-sounding email that said something like, "Um. I'm babysitting my friend's toddler tomorrow. Can I do it another time?" And then they didn't answer my email. And I thought, "Augh! I blew my chance at my fifteen minutes of fame!" although actually the parenting panel lasts twenty minutes, so that made it extra disappointing - even more disappointing than that time I wasn't a Japanese television sensation. So then I watched part of the show they wanted me to be on and then emailed them again to let them know I really, really wanted to be on it. Because, you know, nothing says "I'm professional and eloquent" quite like obvious desperation. And then.... absolutely nothing happened.

Then in April, I got an email from someone at a huge marketing firm that was interested in syndicating some of my blog posts for some major brand websites, and I was like, "Oh my gosh! I'M FAMOUS FOR REAL THIS TIME!!" I had a long phone interview with a really nice guy, and the whole thing sounded extremely promising, but then when he asked how often I post, I told him, and he said that most of the websites they represent want to work with bloggers who post more frequently, but that maybe it would still work. I was supposed to get some kind of syndication and licensing paperwork to sign, but... it didn't come. So I emailed him a follow-up email the next day... and again a few days later. And... nothing.

Then a few days before Mother's Day, I got an email from a reporter for another large news website asking if she could interview me for a piece she was writing about modern stay-at-home moms. Naturally, I thought, "I AM DEFINITELY, SERIOUSLY FAMOUS FOR REAL THIS TIME!!" She interviewed me, (and she was very sweet,) and she said that the article would be published on Mother's Day and she'd email me when it was up. And then Mother's Day came and went. I checked the site obsessively, and... no me. What appears to have happened is that one of the other moms she interviewed had a much more human interest-y (what? That's a word now.) life story than the rest of us did, so she did an article that was just about that mom instead.

So a few weeks ago, I submitted a post to a website called Scary Mommy, which has over 287,000 fans on Facebook and gets more than 10 million pageviews a month. And Jill, the mom behind Scary Mommy, responded within half an hour to say that she loved the post and that it was perfect for her site and that she'd publish it on May 27. To which I thought, "I'll believe it when I see it." Because, come on guys, I may not learn quickly, but I learn eventually.

But this morning, MY POST WAS ON SCARY MOMMY! Ahhh!! It's a post about things you really need to do before you have your first child, and it's already been shared over 10,000 times on Facebook (I may have been stalking it all morning like a giant weirdo.)

I'm not sure if I want to read any of the comments because I'm sure there will be negative ones, and I don't want any rain on my parade. (There's got to be at least one that says, "What was up with that random quotation mark in the middle of nowhere? And how did you manage to get the name wrong for the book What to Expect When You're Expecting?" Answer: I don't know!! But it will haunt me forever. Sigh.)

So, now that I've totally been published on the internet, you're welcome to bring your laptop or smart phone over, and I'll gladly autograph the screen for you. We famous people like to give back to society.

(For the record, "famous" is defined as "18 whole new likes on your blog's Facebook page in one day," right? Just checking...)

Things I said...

... when my toddler wasn't trapped in his crib.

I also say lots of random, not-even-kind-of-useful things on my blog's Facebook page, so you can be a fan if you like having someone to laugh at. I don't mind.

Also, I wrote a post with tons of pictures of our home library (aka, the best room in our whole house) for a real estate blog, so you can check it out here if you really want.

And don't forget to enter my giveaway for a super cute monogrammed cuff bracelet!

Sweet Monograms Review and Giveaway

The winner is Leslie R! If you didn't win but you still want something awesome from Sweet Monograms, you can use the code SHIPSWEET for free shipping on your entire order! Discount code expires 6/30/2014.

For the past few months, I've been browsing on Etsy and Pinterest for a piece of monogrammed jewelry, but I just couldn't quite make up my mind. Then Jennifer from Sweet Monograms contacted me and asked if I'd be interested in doing a review and giveaway, so before I committed to anything, I immediately checked out the jewelry section of her site to see if there was anything cute that I'd want to wear. And.... I finally own an adorable piece of monogrammed jewelry!!!

(When I took this picture, it totally reminded me of the movie Zoolander. And I was like, "Dan! Do you remember that scene in Zoolander with the world's greatest hand model??" And he said, "No."
I hope this story has enriched your life.)

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The bracelet is made of aluminum, so it's not going to snap in half if you have a toddler who likes to pull on your jewelry and has already broken the chains on two of your necklaces. (I mean, just as an example. Not that I have a child like that or anything.) You can buy one of the bracelets here for only $16, OR you can enter below to win one of your very own!

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Open to U.S. residents 18 years and older. I received a free cuff bracelet in exchange for my honest opinion.

So here's what happened the other night...

I was all set to write a random, light-hearted post Tuesday night (the topic of which I genuinely can't even remember now,) and then I had my first "I'm about fifteen and a half seconds away from calling 911 for my child" moment. So now that everyone has recovered, here's a post about that instead.

This picture has nothing to do with this story. Other than that A) It was taken the same day, and
B) You can see Lucas's legs, and this story is about one of them. 

Lucas and I both have colds (Again. Yay.) Monday night (or really, Tuesday morning at like 4:30am,) Lucas woke up coughing so hard that he threw up (the child throws up kind of easily,) so Tuesday night I decided to put him to bed about fifteen minutes early in the hopes that we'd both get a little more rest. After I put him to bed, I emptied the dishwasher then made myself a waffle. Obviously. And then around 8:30, I heard Lucas shriek and then start fussing. He's been known to make weird noises in his sleep, so I stood outside his bedroom door to try to determine whether he actually needed me to come in. Which is when I heard him whimper, "My leg! My leg!" I went into his room, and his leg was stuck above the knee between two of the slats on his crib, which seemed like a fairly minor problem. So I reached in to pull his leg back through, and... he screamed the loudest I've ever heard him scream. And started bawling. And his leg didn't budge.

So I tried again. And he screamed again. At this point, I started to cry, because he was really, really stuck. Dan was working a night shift, so naturally, I called him in a giant panic and asked what the heck I should do. (I'm hideously awful at emergencies.) He suggested calling a friend of ours who lives nearby, and - if that didn't work - to call 911. So I called our friend Caleb, whose wife turned out to be away from home, so he was home with his kids and couldn't leave, but he told me not to worry, he'd find someone who could come help. So I got off the phone and propped Lucas up in bed to see if changing his position would help, and then tried again, and he started sobbing so hard that... he threw up. Repeatedly. In my hands, on himself, in his bed. Then my phone rang, and I managed to answer it while literally holding a handful of my son's vomit. It was Caleb, who told me that another friend, Cory was on his way over.

Since Lucas was majorly freaking out, I was doing my best to keep us both calm by singing to him and praying with him that we would get his leg out. (Sweet side story: every time I would say amen after a prayer, Lucas would say through tears, "More pray?") Staying calm is not really my thing, but I've got to give myself credit for neither hyperventilating nor screaming. Yay Bethany!

When Cory showed up, he tried to pull Lucas's leg out, which resulted in more screaming. After several attempts by both of us, Cory pulled as hard as he could on the bars, while I pulled on Lucas's leg one more time, and... we finally got him free! And then of course I lost it while hugging Lucas. I held him and we both cried for a few minutes while Cory took the gross bed linens to the laundry room (Good friends help free your child from his crib. Great friends then stick around to clean up your child's puke.) When I put Lucas down, he ran into the living room, spotted my waffle, said, "My leg stuck! Yummy waffle?" and then ate my snack. So on the bright side, I was officially much more traumatized by the incident than my son was. (He hasn't brought it up since then. I, on the other hand, can't stop talking about it.)

So... that was my adventure for the week. This motherhood thing is definitely not boring. Anyone else have a "my kid got stuck" story to share? I need something to read while I eat a waffle.

And then we went to Disney World...

As I've mentioned before, my husband Dan is an ER doctor. And like most doctors, he's required to get a certain number of Continuing Medical Education (CME) credits each year (I could ask him the exact number, but he's in the basement, and this couch is really comfy.) The point of CME credits is to keep doctors up to date on new technologies, advances in medical research, etc. To get those credits, he takes courses online or at conferences. Since there are a lot to choose from, conferences try to entice doctors by holding the conferences in places that people might actually want to visit. Like Orlando, Florida.

And since Dan was going to Orlando anyway, we figured Lucas and I might as well tag along and extend the trip by a few days to make it a family vacation.

The resort where we stayed (and where the conference was held) was pretty dang fabulous.

I'm pretty sure that it's against the law to visit Orlando and not visit Disney World, especially when you're only staying a mile and a half away from it. So we figured that on our last full day there, we'd check out the Magic Kingdom for one day and see what the hype was all about (I had never been to Disney, and Dan hadn't been since he was a little kid.) I thought that maybe if our trip went especially well (or especially horribly,) I could share some tips on taking a toddler to Disney World. But I basically only have one tip:

If you are pregnant, and your pregnancy-induced irritability makes you want to "accidentally" run your stroller into the back of people's legs when they suddenly stop and block an entire walkway to have a conversation about the weather, and you have a toddler who really does not function well without a nap, and you're sick with a cold, and you happen to be in Orlando during what is apparently Disney's second-busiest week of the whole year - do NOT go to Disney World. Just don't. Stay in your hotel and let your toddler ride the glass elevator for an hour. Because the elevator will cause him to make this face:

Whereas Disney World will cause him to make this face:

To be fair, he had just woken up from a short nap in his stroller when I took this.
He did smile at other points throughout the day.

And then you'll make this face:

There were some highlights, though. Like when Lucas met Mickey Mouse and was beyond thrilled about it.

Let's take a moment to notice how gigantic my 20-week- pregnant belly is. Sweet Moses.

And the carousel ride.

And when he got to dance in the streets with Disney characters, (none of whom he recognized.) And a show at Cinderella's castle where we were in the very front row and Lucas waved at Mickey the entire time. And when we bought Lucas a Mickey Mouse toy that he loved madly (and lost at the airport the next day. And I felt so sad about it that I immediately bought him a new, larger one on Amazon, even though he never even noticed the first one was gone.)

And when we left early to go have dinner at a Mexican restaurant instead of dealing with the crowds for another second.

I think we'll probably attempt a Disney trip again sometime in the future once our kids are older and less in need of naps (and when it's not one of the two busiest weeks of the year.) But this time was kind of a bust.

Still, the vacation as a whole was about as good as they get when you have a toddler in tow (in spite of the killer cold I caught.) He slept well, and I feel like that will probably be the standard by which I judge the success of any event, ever, for at least the next three years - "Did everybody sleep? Yes? Well ok then. No whining."

So... there's my vacation story. Does anyone have any fabulous Disney tips in case someone stumbles on this post by Googling the phrase "tips for taking a toddler to Disney World" and then ends up majorly disappointed by my post?? Please and thank you. :)

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