Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Six Advice Books I'm Pretty Sure My Kids Are Reading When I'm Not Looking

As the mom of a preschooler and a baby, I've read lots of advice books and blog posts on how to get your child to do - and not do - certain things. Sleep, use the potty, pay attention, learn the alphabet - if someone has written advice on it, I've probably read it. The problem is that, not only have my children NOT read those same books to see what their response is supposed to be to my awesome parenting techniques, I'm pretty sure that they're secretly reading advice books that tell them to do the exact opposite of what my advice books are trying to get them to do. A thorough search of the house has still failed to turn up any of these books, but we're also missing one of every single pair of socks my son has ever owned from birth through age three, so there's almost definitely a secret hiding spot somewhere that I haven't discovered yet.

1. Mommy and Daddy Sneak Away at Night, and Other Bedtime Truths
From the author of self-help book "Sleep is for Suckers" comes this behind-the scenes guidebook explaining what happens when you sleep and why you should avoid it as much as possible. Are you full, dry, warm and generally comfortable enough to sleep? You won't be after you explore eye-opening secrets such as "Everybody Does Fun Things Without You at Night" and "Someone Else is Drinking Your Milk When You're Not Watching." It's time to wake up to the truth... literally. Better wake everyone else up, too, while you're at it.

2. The Baby's Guide to Marking Your Territory
This quick read explores the basics of spitting up, diaper blow-outs, drooling and peeing while being changed as methods of letting everyone know what things - and people - belong to you. The newest edition of this book comes with a sneak peak of the next book in the series, "The Toddler's Guide to Marking Your Territory," including a preview of the first chapter - "Permanent Markers and You."

3. The Art of the Tantrum
Perfect the basics of the tantrum, then learn to build on them with advanced techniques such as the "Foot Stomp," the "High-Pitched Shriek," and the "Get Everyone in the Store to Look at You."

4. Eat This, Not That: Baby and Toddler Edition
Green beans? Bad. Pennies and pieces of fuzz? Good! Learn which foods you should reject without even tasting them and which food-like items will guarantee you a fun trip to the hospital where they'll give you stickers!

5. How to Watch as Much TV as You Want
Written by several experts in the field of parental control, this ground-breaking new book teaches you how to wear down even the toughest of parents to the point that they will let you watch cartoons all day just to get a break. Using the scientifically proven five-step process - sleep deprivation, incessant whining, excessive mess-making, interrupting all adult conversations, and asking difficult questions - you can be well on your way to watching 8+ hours of television a day!

6. Too Cute for "No!"
In this motivational and affirming self-help book, you'll learn to harness all of your cuteness potential to get whatever you want! Through the power of positive thinking, your parents' unconditional love for you, and that adorable little lip quiver you do when you don't get your way, discover how you too can be "Too cute for 'No!'" (Foreword written by that kid in the commercial whose mom just laughs when he makes a gigantic mess.)

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1 comment:

  1. ahahaha these are awesome! also, you should consider a job in blurb writing. yoou're really good at it.