All the times I was never famous

Sometime in November, I was just hanging out, thinking normal mommy thoughts (like "Is it almost bedtime?") and saying normal mommy things (like "No, Lucas, don't put your shoes in the garbage.") when I got an alert on my phone that I had an email. It was from someone at a major news website that I guarantee you've heard of, unless you're my husband.

The email asked me if I wanted to participate in a live parenting panel discussion on their site. My internal reaction pretty much went like this: "Oh my gosh! I'm famous! Wait. Is this a scam? They probably sent this to the wrong person. Do they know my blog isn't hugely popular? What if they think I'm an expert in parenting and then they find out that I let my kid play with garbage?? Oh my gosh. I'M FAMOUS!!!" And then I tried to breathe like a normal person while I said to Dan, "Um, so... you've heard of (Name of ridiculously famous news site,) right?" and Dan said, "No." So that deflated my rapidly expanding ego back to its normal size.

They wanted me to participate either the next day or sometime in the future, and I sent back a really professional-sounding email that said something like, "Um. I'm babysitting my friend's toddler tomorrow. Can I do it another time?" And then they didn't answer my email. And I thought, "Augh! I blew my chance at my fifteen minutes of fame!" although actually the parenting panel lasts twenty minutes, so that made it extra disappointing - even more disappointing than that time I wasn't a Japanese television sensation. So then I watched part of the show they wanted me to be on and then emailed them again to let them know I really, really wanted to be on it. Because, you know, nothing says "I'm professional and eloquent" quite like obvious desperation. And then.... absolutely nothing happened.

Then in April, I got an email from someone at a huge marketing firm that was interested in syndicating some of my blog posts for some major brand websites, and I was like, "Oh my gosh! I'M FAMOUS FOR REAL THIS TIME!!" I had a long phone interview with a really nice guy, and the whole thing sounded extremely promising, but then when he asked how often I post, I told him, and he said that most of the websites they represent want to work with bloggers who post more frequently, but that maybe it would still work. I was supposed to get some kind of syndication and licensing paperwork to sign, but... it didn't come. So I emailed him a follow-up email the next day... and again a few days later. And... nothing.

Then a few days before Mother's Day, I got an email from a reporter for another large news website asking if she could interview me for a piece she was writing about modern stay-at-home moms. Naturally, I thought, "I AM DEFINITELY, SERIOUSLY FAMOUS FOR REAL THIS TIME!!" She interviewed me, (and she was very sweet,) and she said that the article would be published on Mother's Day and she'd email me when it was up. And then Mother's Day came and went. I checked the site obsessively, and... no me. What appears to have happened is that one of the other moms she interviewed had a much more human interest-y (what? That's a word now.) life story than the rest of us did, so she did an article that was just about that mom instead.

So a few weeks ago, I submitted a post to a website called Scary Mommy, which has over 287,000 fans on Facebook and gets more than 10 million pageviews a month. And Jill, the mom behind Scary Mommy, responded within half an hour to say that she loved the post and that it was perfect for her site and that she'd publish it on May 27. To which I thought, "I'll believe it when I see it." Because, come on guys, I may not learn quickly, but I learn eventually.

But this morning, MY POST WAS ON SCARY MOMMY! Ahhh!! It's a post about things you really need to do before you have your first child, and it's already been shared over 10,000 times on Facebook (I may have been stalking it all morning like a giant weirdo.)

I'm not sure if I want to read any of the comments because I'm sure there will be negative ones, and I don't want any rain on my parade. (There's got to be at least one that says, "What was up with that random quotation mark in the middle of nowhere? And how did you manage to get the name wrong for the book What to Expect When You're Expecting?" Answer: I don't know!! But it will haunt me forever. Sigh.)

So, now that I've totally been published on the internet, you're welcome to bring your laptop or smart phone over, and I'll gladly autograph the screen for you. We famous people like to give back to society.

(For the record, "famous" is defined as "18 whole new likes on your blog's Facebook page in one day," right? Just checking...)