Fantasies for Moms

As moms, we can often find ourselves being so caught up in the daily tasks of taking care of our kids that we forget to find time for pleasure that's just for us. But as moms, we have a unique set of physical and mental desires and needs, and engaging in some harmless fantasy can not only help us relax, it can also allow us to be better wives, mothers, and women. After you put the kids to bed tonight, slip into something more comfortable (or something that's at least not covered in spit-up,) and try role-playing one of these exciting fantasies crafted especially for moms.

1. You are a beautiful young college student. Your roommate is gone for the weekend, and you have the dorm room to yourself. It is 11am on a Saturday, and you are asleep in your bed.

That's it. That's the whole fantasy. You're sleeping. At 11:00am. You have not been awake for 5 hours. No one is demanding lunch. You don't have Cheerios stuck to the back of your arm for some reason. You're just asleep. The end.

2. You are walking along a beautiful, moonlit beach with the man you love. The warm sand gently gives way beneath each step of your perfectly pedicured toes. He slips his arm around your waist and lightly brushes his lips against your cheek. "Tell me what you're thinking," he whispers softly in your ear. "I just read a really good book," you answer. And then the two of you discuss it. For like 45 minutes. With no interruptions.

3. You awake early one morning to a knock on the door. Pulling your pink robe loosely around your shoulders, you tiptoe down the stairs and slowly open the door. On your front porch is a tall, handsome man wearing a green apron. He stretches out one hand to you, and in it is a white cup. "Starbucks delivers now," he says. You drink the entire cup of coffee while it is still hot.

4. Your husband arrives home from work early one afternoon with a mischievous look in his eye and the signature pink striped Victoria's Secret shopping bag dangling from one finger. He smiles and hands the bag to you. "I stopped by the mall on my way home and bought you a little something. Why don't you try it on?" he asks with a wink. "They were having a great sale on yoga pants."

5. In the darkened room of the spa, you slip under the sheet draped across the massage table and allow yourself to relax to the sound of the music playing softly from the overhead speakers. There's a soft knock, and then the massage therapist enters, rubbing scented oil between her hands. "My next client just called to cancel, so I have a free hour after your appointment," she says with a smile. "Would you like to double the length of your massage? No extra charge for my favorite client."

Two. Hour. Massage.


Test out one of these mom fantasies tonight; any one of them should have you asleep in no time!


I was promised more naps | Promote Your Page Too

On Why Sleeping Babies Are Like Fight Club

Attention Zipadee-Zip fans: Welcome!! Make sure to like "I Was Promised More Naps" on Facebook, and stay tuned for a chance to win a Zipadee-Zip! 

The first rule of Fight Club, as everyone knows, is that you don’t talk about Fight Club, which on the surface has nothing to do with babies, (and also, under the surface, it still pretty much has nothing to do with babies,) except that, if your baby is a good sleeper, you should never, ever talk about the fact that your baby is a good sleeper. (There are a lot of commas in that sentence, but I have a strong emotional attachment to each and every one of them.)

I forget the reason that you can’t talk about Fight Club because it’s been a long time since I saw that movie, but the reason that you should not talk about how well your baby is sleeping is that the second you mention it, your baby will stop sleeping. It doesn’t matter whether or not your baby hears you. You could whisper it to yourself in the locked bathroom while the shower is running – “My baby is sleeping reasonably well,” you might say – and your baby will sense it and decide to mix things up by not sleeping anymore, ever again.

I’ve actually had a lot of chances to learn this valuable lesson, but apparently I’m a slow and sleep-deprived learner, so I just had to learn it again. I waited much too long to transition Calista from her infant sleeper to her crib. Dan was working a lot of nights and it was really hard to get both kids to bed at the same time by myself, and I had this theory that she slept better in the infant sleeper, except that she wasn’t really sleeping all that well. But she is finally, finally sleeping in her crib 100%, (and I bought this nifty little contraption called a Zipadee-Zip which is basically pajamas but with no holes for the hands or feet to stick out through, and it helps babies transition from swaddling and having that feeling of being held tightly that she was getting in her infant sleeper, and anyway, it’s wonderful,) and Calista figured out that she loves rolling over and sleeping on her belly, and she is finally sleeping well. 

Zipadee-Zip!

Or, at least, she was. She was still usually waking up once a night to nurse, but it was at 1 or 2am, and then she’d go right back to sleep until 7:30ish, so I was getting five or six glorious hours of uninterrupted sleep, which is HUGE.

So then the other day, Dan and I took the kids for a walk, and as we were talking and pushing the kids along in our double jogging stroller that is approximately the size of a charter bus, I stupidly said to Dan, “Oh, I am SO glad that Calista is finally sleeping well. I got six consecutive hours of sleep last night. It was glorious.” And I said it right where nine-month-old Calista could hear me. Rookie mistake.

That night I put her to bed at 8pm. And she woke up at 8:30. And 9. And 11. And 1. And 3:30. And 6. And Lucas crawled into bed with me at midnight and kicked me in the ribs at about 4:15, so basically I got NO SLEEP WHATSOEVER.

And as I was rocking Calista in a desperate attempt to get her to go back to sleep at 6am (which didn’t work, for the record,) I thought to myself, “You just had to talk about it, didn’t you? You couldn’t have made conversation about the weather??” Turns out she has a cold, and it’s been three nights with very little sleep, and I am about 99% sure that the only reason she got a cold is that I said she was sleeping well.

I am not the only mom who has experienced this phenomenon. It’s very common. I have a friend who had three kids who were excellent sleepers and slept through the night early and often. She gave me advice on helping Lucas (who despised sleeping when he was a baby) to sleep longer, and she mentioned that her three kids were great sleepers, and then her fourth kid who wasn’t even born yet at the time of this conversation was an awful sleeper. This is not a coincidence. It is a direct result of her having talked. This is a scientific fact*.

So the thing to remember is that if your kids sleep well, you should never, ever talk about it. People might try to get you to talk about it. They might say things like, “Does your baby sleep well?” And if your baby doesn’t sleep well, by all means, feel free to answer them. But if you’re lucky enough to have a baby who loves to sleep, do not answer this question. Instead wink at the person who asked and say “Fight Club.” They will have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, but hopefully you can confuse them enough that they forget what their original question was. Then while they’re still trying to process what you said, quickly walk your well-rested self away from the conversation. And maybe keep walking until you reach my house so that you can entertain my kids while I nap. Because I’m pretty sure the third rule of Fight Club says something about the fight being over when someone goes limp, and I’m about ten seconds away from passing out from exhaustion.

*Not a scientific fact.

The Five Stages of Being Woken Up Too Early by Your Kids

1. Denial/Isolation
This isn't happening. This IS. NOT. HAPPENING. This is just a horrible dream. It is way too early for them to be awake. The baby doesn't really need milk. She'll probably go right back to sleep in like a minute... maybe five minutes. Ten minutes, tops. Maybe if I pull my covers over my head, they'll go away. There. I'm invisible. He'll never find me. I'm in my fortress of solitude. I'm ensconced in an impenetrable layer of...

Oh. He found me. But three year olds are reasonable people. He'll understand that I'm just too tired to get up. After he finishes climbing over me and tapping me repeatedly on the eyelid, he'll get back in his own bed and sleep until 9.

2. Anger
WHY ARE YOU STILL TAPPING ME??? GO BACK TO BED!! IT'S TOO EARLY!!! IF YOU DON'T GO TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW, YOU WILL BE IN TIME OUT UNTIL YOU'RE THIRTY-EIGHT!! STOP TAPPING ME!!!!!!!!!

3. Bargaining
Ok, listen. If you just let me go back to sleep for ten minutes, you can watch Daniel Tiger for an hour. Two hours. The entire day. I will personally call Daniel Tiger and invite him to our house and he will play make believe with you and teach you a catchy little song about letting mommy sleep until 10. And if you can get your baby sister to go back to sleep, I will turn our SUV into a life-sized replica of Trolley. You have my word.

4. Depression
I am never going to feel well rested, ever again. I'm going to be forever sleep deprived until I die a slow, sleep-deprived death, curled up in a ball on the floor, covered in my children's bodily fluids while trying to buy a five-minute nap by bribing them with candy.

5. Acceptance
This is my life right now - two adorable kids and no sleep. Time to go make coffee and then drink it after it gets cold because both kids will poop as soon as I fill my mug.

The job no one prepared you for...

Usually when I write a blog post, I do so over a matter of days or even weeks. (Truthfully, I have at least five posts that I started last summer and intend to finish someday.) I write a beginning or a basic outline, then fill in details and complete sentences over time. Or I write the first half, get distracted, and don't write the second half for a month. After I've finished a rough draft, I wait a few days, then proofread, change a few things, and then post. That's probably why I post so infrequently.

But occasionally, usually after a night of very little sleep, the whole post just comes out at once. This is one of those times. If you find typos or if this post makes no sense... I'm not surprised. Also, maybe don't read this if you're not a mom yet but hope to be someday. You've been warned.

My two children and I have a particularly nasty cold. (My husband Dan is still healthy, and I'm more than a little jealous.) Lucas (almost three years old) has been sick for over two weeks. He's definitely improving, but he has a lingering cough that still wakes him up at night. I got sick a few days ago, and then four-month-old Calista really came down with it yesterday. By last night, she was miserable. I tried for over four hours to get her to sleep. She would doze off in my arms, but as soon as I would put her down, she would wake up coughing and then cry. I tried her crib, her rock and play (which props her up at an angle,) running a humidifier... nothing helped. The only place she could sleep was in my arms. So I finally gave up and let her sleep in my arms. All night long. I'd love to be able to tell you some pretty lie like, "and I cherished every second" or "These fleeting moments of holding my little darling will be gone all too soon, and I know I will miss them with all my soul, so I just gazed at her sweet face, overwhelmed with love and emotion, while a single tear rolled down my cheek." But the truth is that in the middle of the night, I sent Dan (who was working overnight) a text that said:

Dan and I had dinner at a restaurant with some friends the other day. They have two young children under two years old, so combined we had a total of four kids under age three. The other mom and I were talking, and she confessed that she was finding motherhood to be much harder than she'd expected. "You have a nephew who's older, right?" she asked, "So did you kind of know what to expect?"

It's an interesting question, because before I had Lucas, I totally thought that being an aunt to my sister's son gave me the inside scoop on what it was like to have a baby. My nephew was born when I was 15 years old, and I babysat him a fair amount. I have vivid memories of my tiny nephew crying. I would cradle him gently in my arms, nestle his little head under my chin, and pace the floor while crooning in a sing-song voice, "I'm never going to have kids. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I love you, I love you, but I'm never going to have kids."

Clearly I needed to work on my lullaby skills.

I waited a full 14 years after his birth to start having children of my own, and when I was pregnant with Lucas, I honestly thought I was Prepared with a capital P. Of course it would be hard. Sure, I'd be tired, But I had experience. I wasn't going in blind like some moms. I knew what to expect.

Poor, naive Bethany.

Not the same thing. At all.

It turns out that there's really no way to be truly, fully prepared for what it's like to have little lives literally dependent on you for survival while you're sleep-deprived and overwhelmed and sure you're screwing everything up. I'm sure there are levels of preparedness. Someone who's worked as a nanny for ten years is likely more prepared for motherhood than someone who has never held a real baby, for example, but it's still hard. And I think it's important to know is that it's hard for everyone. That all the other moms aren't just sailing along, doing the easiest job they've ever done, while you're hiding under your covers crying and eating chocolate.

I tell you this because I know moms who genuinely fear that they are the only one with these struggles. The only mom who has no idea what she's doing. The only mom whose toddler throws twenty-minute-long tantrums. The only mom who is really, really cranky after she's been up all night. The only mom who periodically sends her husband or best friend text messages that say "I'm going to run away and join the circus." So I want to be sure that you know that it's a tough job. For all of us.

Don't get me wrong - there are moments that are so wonderful that I cry. (Although, to be fair, I cry a lot in general.) Lately, Lucas has taken to telling me, "you're the sweetest girl in the whole world," and "you're the best mommy in the whole world," and, "I pick you, Bethany." (I'm not entirely sure what that last one means, but it sounds sweet when he says it.) But it's tough. And when you see other moms (me, for example) post pictures like this on Facebook:

you might be tempted to think, "She has it all together. This is a totally accurate portrayal of her life: two smiling, cooperative children posing sweetly on a floor that is not covered in Cheerios in front of toys that are actually put away." But the only reason you would think that is because I didn't take the time to caption the photo as follows: "This picture was taken on day two of the plague. It was sandwiched in between Lucas screaming for a tissue and spilling cough medicine all over the floor. The Cheerios are on the living room carpet."

So if you're having a rough day or week or... decade, please know that you're not alone and that it definitely doesn't mean that you're failing as a mom. You can do this. But if you find yourself Googling "circus job openings" at 2am, I promise I won't judge you.

Six ways I've found caring for my second baby to be easier than caring for my first

A while back, a post I wrote about seven things you should do before you have your first child was published on Scary Mommy. The first time it was shared on the Scary Mommy Facebook page, I got a lot of positive comments and also some negative comments that were like, "why would you scare expectant moms like this? It's not helpful! It just scares them! You're a jerk! A pox upon your house!!" (Ok, maybe nobody actually said that last part. Whatever.) The Scary Mommy Facebook page recently promoted that post again, so I've got some new readers from there, and just to show that I do have positive things to say about having a new baby, here's an encouraging post about why you might find having a second child to be easier than having your first. Now STOP POXING MY HOUSE!

1. I knew what to expect.
I'm not sure anything can really prepare you for what it will be like to have a newborn for the first time. It's emotional and exhausting and nerve wracking. Before Lucas, I knew I'd be tired when he was a baby, but I had no idea how tired. I knew I'd be stressed, but I didn't realize how poorly I'd cope with even small stressors on such little sleep and while all ramped up on hormones. This time around, Dan and I pretty much just said to each other, "So... the first few months are going to be pretty rough. We've done this before. We will survive. Go team!"

Team More Naps!

2. I was already used to not getting much sleep.
Before I got pregnant with Lucas and through most of my pregnancy, I worked as a substitute teacher. I always had weekends off and could sleep in until noon if I wanted to (and I often wanted to.) I didn't work every day, and even when I was called in, I could say no to a job if I wasn't feeling well. After work, I could nap on the couch. Nobody was waking me up early or keeping me up late or needing to be nursed every three hours all night. So I was pretty used to being well rested when Lucas arrived. And, um, that was a rude awakening. Literally and figuratively. But this time around, I'm already used to waking up early and functioning like a normal human being on not much sleep. This may not sound like a good thing, but trust me, it is. There's less culture shock.

They don't really sleep like this.
Hopefully you had guessed that already, though.

3. My second has had no choice but to get used to noise and to sharing me with another child.
When Lucas was a baby, Dan and I would literally tiptoe around the house while he was napping. We lived in a house with wood floors, and I genuinely considered marking the "safe" spots (aka, the floor boards that didn't creak) on the floor with masking tape so we knew where we could step while Lucas was sleeping. True story. The only reason I didn't do it was because we ended up moving when Lucas was four months old, and our current house has carpet and fewer creaky boards.

Then Calista was born when Lucas was two and a half. And apparently you can't convince a toddler to be completely silent while his newborn sister is sleeping. So Calista has slept through all kinds of noise from day one. A few weeks ago, I took my kids to a friend's house for a play date. Calista fell asleep on the car ride over and was sound asleep when we got to their house. The child slept in the same room where the kids were playing for the entire two-hour play date. No joke, at one point, the other kids decided to play musical instruments, and there were two toddlers and a preschooler banging on drums, xylophones and bells less than a foot away from her head. She didn't even move. I felt like I should enter her in a talent show as "the baby who can sleep through anything." She could just sleep on stage while the audience applauded and cheered. It would be an extremely boring act.

Calista sleeping at the zoo.
Later, Lucas fell in a toilet.

4. I trust myself more.
With Lucas, I spent a lot of time worrying that I wasn't doing things exactly right. Was he too hot, too cold, too tired, too overstimulated, too understimulated, overfed, underfed, getting enough tummy time, meeting every milestone at the EXACT second the books said he should??? It was a lot to worry about. Every month, I would pick up the book "What to Expect: The First Year" and dutifully read the whole chapter on what he should be doing that month. But I ended up figuring out my child and what worked (and didn't work) for him in large part by instinct. And I realized that I could totally do this mommy thing.

With Calista, I forgot I even owned the "What to Expect" book until she was over three months old. Then I kind of skimmed the three month chapter, got bored, and put it back on the shelf. If she needs something, I can tell, and I trust that my instincts with her are right. It's a very comfortable feeling.

This picture is just cute. Carry on.

5. I've got the right stuff, and I know how to use it.
The first time you try to put on a Moby wrap, it's really hard. Same for the second time. And the third time. But the 14th time? You feel like maybe you're getting the hang of it. And by the time you put it on with your second child, you could practically do it in your sleep. Except not really, because you have to do it standing up, and you probably can't sleep standing up, so never mind. The point I'm making is that you figure out what products you like and how to use them with baby number one, and then when baby number two comes along, you already own them and have used them enough to make them easy.

The same goes for breastfeeding. With Lucas, I spent a lot of time worrying about if I was doing it right and whether he was getting enough. But after nursing Lucas for over 16 months, I can just latch Calista on and carry on about my day. I'm even a pro at nursing her while walking around. It's a gift.

I'm so good at putting on the Moby that I got Lucas his own, kid-sized Moby.

6. I know from experience that things will get better.
I am almost positive that with Lucas I uttered the words "I am never going to be able to sleep again as long as I live" on more than one occasion. He was a horrendous sleeper until he was about nine months old, and I was sure I would be sleep-deprived for my whole life. Now that Calista is here, I get even less sleep than I did with Lucas (since she goes to bed late and wakes up to eat throughout the night and he wakes up early,) but I'm much less stressed about it. She'll sleep when she sleeps. I've survived cluster feeding, teething and potty training before, and I'll survive them again. Once you've handled the common baby "problems" and then left them in the dust, it's easier to recognize that they're temporary when you experience them the second time around.

The first time I took both kids to church by myself. A full two thirds of us did not cry!

So there you go, six ways my second baby has been easier than my first. If you have more than one child, have you found these to be true for you?


If you don't currently follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you totally should. I say lots of stuff. Some of it's funny.

So here's what's new with us...

I've abandoned a blog or two for no good reason. But this time, I actually have a legitimate reason for not posting much in the past couple of months. And since a picture is worth a thousand words (even though I'll still probably type a few thousand words on the subject anyway)...

Sometime around September 6, my little man is going to be a big brother! It's not so much that fact (or the adorable shirt, which I bought here, in case you were wondering) that has kept me from blogging. It's the morning (read: all day) sickness and exhaustion. But more on that another day. For today, I would just like to say: Danny and I are very excited (and maybe slightly nervous) to be welcoming a new member to our little family!

At two, Lucas isn't quite old enough to totally understand what's about to happen in his world, but he has decided that the baby in mommy's belly is a girl named "Baby Chippeh." We don't know yet if he's right about it being a girl, but I promise not to name my child Baby Chippeh. You're welcome, baby.

So... that's our news! What's going on in your world?

And since I couldn't pick just one picture...

3:00am conversations with a one year old

Lucas has a cold. He sounds all congested, and last night he slept really, really horribly. The longest stretch he slept all night was about an hour and a half. Which of course means that the longest stretch I slept was about an hour and twenty-five minutes... give or take. I lost count of how many times he woke up, but it was definitely more than six... as evidenced by the whiny text messages I kept sending to Dan throughout the night (Dan was working a night shift.)

I am no stranger to being up with him in the middle of the night, but it's been months since I've had to get up with him, so this was the first night we've been awake together where he could actually talk. And man, did he talk! He speaks really clearly for a 20-month old, and he started talking early and knows a lot of words for his age. But he's still only 20 months old. So since he doesn't know a ton of words, he just says the ones he knows over and over and over and over. When I wasn't feeling super cranky from exhaustion, I actually kind of loved our middle-of-the-night talks in the rocking chair last night.

Our conversations went like this:

"Rocking. Rocking. Mama. Mama. Mama?"
"Yes, Lucas."
"I ya you." (I love you. - Cue me melting into a puddle.)
"I love you too, baby."
"Mama. Mama. Rocking. Mama. Dada. Dada?"
"Dada's at work."
"Yeah. Dada. Work. Work. Run? Running?"
"No, Dada's not running. Dada's at work."
"Yeah. Work. Dada...." (long pause) "Cow. Cow. Cow. Cow?"
"What does a cow say?"
"Boooo. Funny!"
At which point, I burst out laughing, of course.

Because he kept waking up, I thought it might help if I let him sleep in bed with me, and man, was that a terrible idea. He slept for 45 minutes and then woke up at 4:30 am incredibly excited that he got to hang out with his mommy in the middle of the night. So neither of us slept until I finally took him back to his own bed, where he slept for an hour and a half and then woke up for the day around 6am. (He usually sleeps until at least 8:15.)

So, I'm exhausted today, and while Lucas napped, I had a chiropractic appointment for my butt issues, so I didn't even get to nap. This little man is totally worth the exhaustion, but I'm really hoping we both get some more sleep tonight!

He seriously doesn't look at all sick, does he?
Don't let the smile fool you. He's kind of a disaster today.

If you want to vote for me and/or make me some coffee, that would be much appreciated!