Six ways I've found caring for my second baby to be easier than caring for my first

A while back, a post I wrote about seven things you should do before you have your first child was published on Scary Mommy. The first time it was shared on the Scary Mommy Facebook page, I got a lot of positive comments and also some negative comments that were like, "why would you scare expectant moms like this? It's not helpful! It just scares them! You're a jerk! A pox upon your house!!" (Ok, maybe nobody actually said that last part. Whatever.) The Scary Mommy Facebook page recently promoted that post again, so I've got some new readers from there, and just to show that I do have positive things to say about having a new baby, here's an encouraging post about why you might find having a second child to be easier than having your first. Now STOP POXING MY HOUSE!

1. I knew what to expect.
I'm not sure anything can really prepare you for what it will be like to have a newborn for the first time. It's emotional and exhausting and nerve wracking. Before Lucas, I knew I'd be tired when he was a baby, but I had no idea how tired. I knew I'd be stressed, but I didn't realize how poorly I'd cope with even small stressors on such little sleep and while all ramped up on hormones. This time around, Dan and I pretty much just said to each other, "So... the first few months are going to be pretty rough. We've done this before. We will survive. Go team!"

Team More Naps!

2. I was already used to not getting much sleep.
Before I got pregnant with Lucas and through most of my pregnancy, I worked as a substitute teacher. I always had weekends off and could sleep in until noon if I wanted to (and I often wanted to.) I didn't work every day, and even when I was called in, I could say no to a job if I wasn't feeling well. After work, I could nap on the couch. Nobody was waking me up early or keeping me up late or needing to be nursed every three hours all night. So I was pretty used to being well rested when Lucas arrived. And, um, that was a rude awakening. Literally and figuratively. But this time around, I'm already used to waking up early and functioning like a normal human being on not much sleep. This may not sound like a good thing, but trust me, it is. There's less culture shock.

They don't really sleep like this.
Hopefully you had guessed that already, though.

3. My second has had no choice but to get used to noise and to sharing me with another child.
When Lucas was a baby, Dan and I would literally tiptoe around the house while he was napping. We lived in a house with wood floors, and I genuinely considered marking the "safe" spots (aka, the floor boards that didn't creak) on the floor with masking tape so we knew where we could step while Lucas was sleeping. True story. The only reason I didn't do it was because we ended up moving when Lucas was four months old, and our current house has carpet and fewer creaky boards.

Then Calista was born when Lucas was two and a half. And apparently you can't convince a toddler to be completely silent while his newborn sister is sleeping. So Calista has slept through all kinds of noise from day one. A few weeks ago, I took my kids to a friend's house for a play date. Calista fell asleep on the car ride over and was sound asleep when we got to their house. The child slept in the same room where the kids were playing for the entire two-hour play date. No joke, at one point, the other kids decided to play musical instruments, and there were two toddlers and a preschooler banging on drums, xylophones and bells less than a foot away from her head. She didn't even move. I felt like I should enter her in a talent show as "the baby who can sleep through anything." She could just sleep on stage while the audience applauded and cheered. It would be an extremely boring act.

Calista sleeping at the zoo.
Later, Lucas fell in a toilet.

4. I trust myself more.
With Lucas, I spent a lot of time worrying that I wasn't doing things exactly right. Was he too hot, too cold, too tired, too overstimulated, too understimulated, overfed, underfed, getting enough tummy time, meeting every milestone at the EXACT second the books said he should??? It was a lot to worry about. Every month, I would pick up the book "What to Expect: The First Year" and dutifully read the whole chapter on what he should be doing that month. But I ended up figuring out my child and what worked (and didn't work) for him in large part by instinct. And I realized that I could totally do this mommy thing.

With Calista, I forgot I even owned the "What to Expect" book until she was over three months old. Then I kind of skimmed the three month chapter, got bored, and put it back on the shelf. If she needs something, I can tell, and I trust that my instincts with her are right. It's a very comfortable feeling.

This picture is just cute. Carry on.

5. I've got the right stuff, and I know how to use it.
The first time you try to put on a Moby wrap, it's really hard. Same for the second time. And the third time. But the 14th time? You feel like maybe you're getting the hang of it. And by the time you put it on with your second child, you could practically do it in your sleep. Except not really, because you have to do it standing up, and you probably can't sleep standing up, so never mind. The point I'm making is that you figure out what products you like and how to use them with baby number one, and then when baby number two comes along, you already own them and have used them enough to make them easy.

The same goes for breastfeeding. With Lucas, I spent a lot of time worrying about if I was doing it right and whether he was getting enough. But after nursing Lucas for over 16 months, I can just latch Calista on and carry on about my day. I'm even a pro at nursing her while walking around. It's a gift.

I'm so good at putting on the Moby that I got Lucas his own, kid-sized Moby.

6. I know from experience that things will get better.
I am almost positive that with Lucas I uttered the words "I am never going to be able to sleep again as long as I live" on more than one occasion. He was a horrendous sleeper until he was about nine months old, and I was sure I would be sleep-deprived for my whole life. Now that Calista is here, I get even less sleep than I did with Lucas (since she goes to bed late and wakes up to eat throughout the night and he wakes up early,) but I'm much less stressed about it. She'll sleep when she sleeps. I've survived cluster feeding, teething and potty training before, and I'll survive them again. Once you've handled the common baby "problems" and then left them in the dust, it's easier to recognize that they're temporary when you experience them the second time around.

The first time I took both kids to church by myself. A full two thirds of us did not cry!

So there you go, six ways my second baby has been easier than my first. If you have more than one child, have you found these to be true for you?


If you don't currently follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you totally should. I say lots of stuff. Some of it's funny.

10 Things Your Best Friend Would Tell You About Recovering from a C-section (If she had a tendency to overshare.)

Here's my story: The whole time I was pregnant, our plan was for my husband Dan to deliver our baby. He was in his final year of an ER residency at the hospital where we delivered, he had already helped deliver babies there, and my awesome OB-GYN thought it would be amazing for him to deliver our child. Her plan was to sit nearby in the rocking chair while he delivered, just in case he needed any advice. Then my amniotic sac (aka "water") developed a slow leak without me going into labor. About ten hours after it had started leaking, I still hadn't had a single contraction and I was only 1cm dilated, so I was hooked up to a Pitocin drip. After a whole night on Pitocin (and 24 hours after "the leak" began,) I was only 4cm dilated, my son was face up, his head was not at all engaged in my pelvis, and his heart rate started dropping after each contraction. So we talked with my OB, and we all decided that a c-section was the best option. (When my OB delivered our son, she realized that his umbilical cord had been trapped between his head and my pelvis, so if his head had moved down, it could've clamped off his cord and become an emergency.)

I hadn't even bothered to pay attention when they talked about c-sections in our childbirth class, because I "knew" I wasn't going to have one. So here are some things I didn't know that you might want to know if you've just had a c-section, if you're having a scheduled c-section, or if, like me, you're totally sure that you'll never need a c-section. You know - just in case.

(Just to warn you, I'm going to talk about some things that could potentially be awkward. Like pooping. And sex. So if you don't want to read about those things, go read something I wrote that's less awkward. Like my recipe for chicken with zucchini and squash.) 

Nothing in this post should be misconstrued as medical advice, and it definitely shouldn't take the place of real medical advice from a real medical professional - these are just some friendly tips from one mommy to another. When in doubt, ask your doctor/midwife/nurse.

1. Walk, walk, walk.
When I shared the news of my son's birth on Facebook, I also shared that I had a c-section. And I got a few messages from awesome women in my life (at least one of whom - an old friend from summer camp - I hadn't spoken with in years) who had had c-sections and offered advice and encouragement. The one thing they all advised was to walk as much as I could, so I started walking (up and down the halls) the day after Lucas was born, and I think it helped a lot (not that I have anything to compare it to, but still.) As with anything else, listen to your body and don't overdo it.

2. Take the stool softener.
From what I've heard, pooping the first time after you have a child is always a pain - literally - whether you delivered vaginally or by c-section. But if you have a c-section, you have the added problem that many pain medications can make you constipated. I was on Percocet after my c-section, and that stuff stops you up like you wouldn't believe. It was kind of awful. So any time they offer you a stool softener/laxative in the hospital, TAKE IT! (And if they don't offer you one, ask for it.) Drink prune juice, mix fiber in your drink (if your doctor says it's ok), eat tons of fresh fruits and veggies, and TAKE THE STOOL SOFTENER. I cannot stress that strongly enough. For me, constipation was the worst part of my recovery. Moving on from the fact that I just told everyone I couldn't poop...

3. Stay in the hospital as long as they'll let you.
I know, I know; you just want to get home to your own bed and your own clothes and your own nursery that you spent the last nine months decorating. But those things will still be there in a day or two, and in the meantime, you should  take advantage of the fact that you can have healthy meals delivered to your bed and a few extra pairs of hands to help with diaper changes. Remember, you're recovering from a major surgery; more help is a good thing. Most insurance companies cover four days in the hospital after a c-section, so if you can get it, take it.

Our last morning in the hospital. Goodbye, 24-hour nursing staff! Goodbye, being able to have ice water delivered to my bed at 4am with the touch of a button! Goodbye, all-you-can-eat steamed broccoli!

4. Sleep as much as you can.
All new moms are told to sleep when the baby sleeps, but this is especially important when you're recovering from a major surgery on top of new-mom sleep-deprivation. The laundry will wait. The dishes will wait. Go take a nap.

5. You still can't wear tampons.
Maybe I'm alone in this, but I kind of thought that the whole "no sex or tampons for at least six weeks" thing was just because your vagina goes through a traumatic experience during childbirth and needs some recovery time. Actually, it's because you still have an open wound where the placenta was connected to your uterus. So putting anything into your vagina is a no-no while this wound is healing because you run the risk of accidentally introducing bacteria into your uterus and causing an infection. So even if you deliver by c-section instead of vaginally, you're still going to have to use pads for your postpartum bleeding. Sorry. And while we're kind of on the subject...

6. Sex still might hurt for a while.
This is something I neither knew nor expected. I knew that sex was painful for the first few times if you had a vaginal delivery, but I assumed that it was just because, you know, you had pushed a baby out of your vagina. But sex was still painful for me the first few times after having a c-section (and I don't mean it was painful at the site of my incision, if you catch my drift.) I'm guessing it was because of hormones (and my son was breastfed, which causes you to be extra dry.) Use lots of lube, and take it slowly. It gets better.

7. It's ok to feel sad, but if you're too sad for too long, talk to your doctor.
Some women feel some sadness after having an unplanned c-section. If you had a picture in your mind of how your baby was going to be born and then circumstances outside of your control resulted in an unplanned c-section, it's normal to feel a little disappointed. I was fortunate in that I didn't deal with any feelings of sorrow over my c-section after my son was born (although I did cry when we all realized I'd need to have one,) but I know that some women do feel sad over it, and that can be totally normal. But my concern is that if it seems to you that your excessive feelings of sadness, guilt or anger have a legitimate cause, you might be less likely to recognize if they're actually symptoms of postpartum depression. So if your feelings of sadness don't go away or if they get worse, talk to your doctor about them.

8. Ask for (or accept) help.
This one can be tough, but things will go much more easily if you do it! If someone asks if there's anything they can do to help, say yes! And if they don't offer, don't feel bad asking for specific favors from close friends or family members. If you're breastfeeding, no one else can take over the feedings (obviously,) but that doesn't mean they can't change diapers, do some laundry, or rock your baby while you take a nap. If your neighbor's planning a trip to the grocery store, ask if she can pick up a few items for you, too. The women from my Bible Study brought me meals for two weeks, and I can't even tell you how wonderful it was not to have to think about getting/making food while I was recovering.

9. You might have to buy more pants.
I forget how long it took before I could fit into my pre-pregnancy pants, but even when they fit well, I still couldn't wear my jeans comfortably. The waistbands on all of my pre-pregnancy jeans were positioned at just the wrong height so that they were fine while I was standing, but when I sat, they pressed right into my c-section scar. The scar was tender if something rubbed/pressed against it for at least nine months after my son was born, and I had given up on ever wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans again and purchased all new jeans with higher waist bands by the time the sensitivity finally went away. Now I have tons of jeans, so I guess that wasn't necessarily bad.

10. It gets better.
At first, simple things like laughing are going to hurt. You're going to be tired and sore for a while. But it gets better. I promise. And yes, your scar will fade a whole lot. On the days (or the nights. Especially the nights.) that it's really tough, it doesn't hurt to tell yourself out loud - "This is temporary. It will get better." Then send an email or a text to a fellow mom who can relate, and tell her you need some encouragement. (If you don't know who to email, my email is bejaneum[at]gmail[dot]com.) It gets better. Pinky swear.

Bonus tips for if you haven't had your c-section yet:

11. Daddy might be able to do skin-to-skin contact with baby if you can't.
Skin-to-skin contact - also called Kangaroo Care - is when a newborn baby is placed naked (or wearing only a hat and diaper) on mom's bare skin, and it's great for newborns. (You can read more about why it's good for them here.) I was really determined that I would do skin-to-skin contact with my baby as soon as he was born, so one of the first things I thought of when we realized a c-section was a distinct possibility was that I wouldn't be able to have skin-to-skin contact right away since I'd be getting sutured closed. So Dan asked if he could do it instead. My OB had the nurses bring him scrub pants and a hospital gown, which he wore with the opening in the front, and he was able to hold Lucas against his bare chest while I was still on the operating table. Since then, my OB recommends it to all of her c-section patients, and she even wrote a letter about it that was published in a medical journal (I have a copy in Lucas's baby book.) If you've found out that you're going to need a c-section, ask your OB about this ahead of time. (You can even mention that it was suggested in the May 2013 issue of OBG Management if you really want to sound like you've done your homework on the subject.)

Yes, I know Dan is wearing a jacket here. This was taken later. We don't have a picture of it, ok?

12. Bring one or two pairs of long, comfy socks to the hospital.
Because you'll likely stay in bed for 18-24 hours after your c-section, they'll probably put these plastic things on your lower legs that inflate and deflate to massage your legs and prevent blood clots. When they first put them on, you'll be like, "Ahh! Leg massage! This is so luxurious!" And then after ten minutes, you'll be asking the nurse to please, please, pretty please take them off just for one minute, please!! Plastic against your bare skin just feels sticky and sweaty and uncomfortable. I imagine that soft cotton knee-high socks would help a lot. (I say "I imagine" because I didn't know about the plastic massagers of misery and was stuck trying to bargain with the nurse that if she took them off for just five minutes, I swore I would flex my legs the entire time and also use sheer force of will to prevent blood clots.)

So there you have it: c-section recovery advice from a mom who "knew" she wasn't going to need a c-section. Do you have any advice to add to this list? Please share in the comments!

Will you click this to vote for me? Thank you ever so kindly!